What a waste.

This was originally posted on May 5, 2005.

I love Role Playing Games (RPGs), I fucking eat them up like a person who enjoys consuming large amounts of food eats food. While there are a lot of RPGs out there, not a whole lot are truly great, so most tend to rent first before buying. However, there are some series that you just buy. Series so good that even when they don’t live up to the last instalment, they are still great. Final Fantasy. Knight of the Old Republic. You don’t question these, you just buy and enjoy. Suikoden used to be one of these series.

Until this game.

The game has many faults, but the most disappointing part of the game is the graphics. The third game looked fucking awesome; it had a cartoon-ish style that didn’t go over the top. It was awesome, everything just fit perfectly (a lot of people were mad that the game wasn’t 2-d but those people are assholes). This game looks like shit, pure unfiltered shit. It looks like it was made before the Playstation 2 ever came out. The entire world is bland as fuck. No colors anywhere, everything looks plain and boring. Some of the characters do look decent but when they look bad, they look fucking terrible. By far the worst looking thing in the game is the main character. Yes that’s right, the dude you spend the most time with is one of the worst looking characters I have ever seen. His face looks like a retarded acorn and he moves like one of those queer speed runners. Playing this game becomes a real chore when the person you are supposed to identify with looks so goddamn retarded.

By far, the most disappointing part of the game is the story. It’s just so shallow and uninteresting; I didn’t give a shit about anything. They never really gave me anything to give a shit about. It seems like they had some ideas for the script but instead of fleshing things out they just used the first thing that came to them and moved on. There are very few actual conversations, people just say a sentence or two and move on. There is very little depth; you are just given the surface of a story and nothing more. Why the fuck should I care about these assholes? I guess these guys are my friends because they hang around me. Looks like these gentlemen are bad because they look like big mean meanies.

They don’t even give you a chance to identify with the main character because the fucker doesn’t even talk. It’s like the goddamn creators were stuck in the 80’s. Everyone around him talks (very briefly) about shit and he just stares at them looking like an asshole. Why should I care about a mute? I go out of my way to punch those kinds of people in the face with bricks taped to my fists, why should I be forced to tolerate their presence in video game form? It takes forever to get any actual story going, for the longest time it feels like you are just experiencing a set of events rather than a cohesive story that actually matters. Also, for some reason the game kept fading to black like the scene was over, then things would kick back in and they would just carry on. It would be like “oh no, we are stranded” “that is not good’ [black screen] “So what should we do?” “Let us do things to help” [black screen] “lets”. That’s not an actual quote by the way, the game isn’t that interesting. It doesn’t sound major, but when it happens all the fucking time it really takes you out of the game. And you are barley even into it in the first (and third) place.

What really disappoints me about the game its lack of charm. The last three games felt special, you couldn’t put your finger on it, but they felt different. They just had a simple charm about them that pulled you in and made you play. Not this game. This game actually pushes you away; it’s so cheap and simplistic that you can’t believe this came out in the year 2005. Even if you do manage to somehow stick through the bland story and look past the shitastic graphics, the random battles just step up and rape the fuck out of you. Every 5 seconds you are pulled into another random battle. Every five goddamn seconds. And after the swishy graphics fade away and the generic music kicks in you find that you are fighting two groups of seaweed. Fucking seaweed. You fight seaweed. Sea goddamn weed. Sweet Jesus, the bad guys in this game are some of the weakest motherfuckers in the world, both in design and execution. Every new area you enter ends up the same way. For the first 4 battles or so the guys are fairly difficult and they give great exp. After levelling up a bit they turn to one hit pussies that give you dick all. Fighting becomes absolutely useless and painful.

There are some more most disappoints parts. You no longer control six players during battle, only four. It’s nothing major but it just takes away another aspect of what made the previous games fun. Also instead of walking around a big world, you travel around in a big gay boat full of fags. Not only is this incredibly boring to watch, but your boat travels at the speed of slow as fuck. Later on it becomes faster but until you reach that point you are going to be one bored ass motherfucker.

I admit this review is a little harsh. I could have looked at it objectively, as a professional writer rather than a guy who bought the game, and I’m sure I would have given it a slightly higher score. But I don’t want to do that, this game sucks balls and I hate it. It’s worthless and I will never play it again. It is easily the worst game I have played in long time. It’s the kind of RPG really shitty companies that have no idea how to create a good RPG make. It has no redeeming qualities and is just a waste of plastic. Don’t even look at this game because I think you may get aids from it. I know I did (or at least that’s what I’ll tell people).